Redefining The Word 'Cancer' Day 104

Life Review: My Life with Cancer

The Word 'Cancer'

Cancer: My Story

Redefining Words    

Redefining the Word 'Cancer'

The dictionary defines the word cancer as:

A large group of almost 100 diseases. Its two main characteristics are uncontrolled growth of the cells to migrate from the original site and spread to distant sites. if the spread is not controlled, cancer can result in death.

The Mind's Interpretation or Definition of Cancer Through The Sounding of The Word:

CAN-nned CER-tificates

The body is composed of trillions of cells all working as a team - as team life - equal and one,

Being the breath within the body, we are given that responsibility to take care of the body. We give the body nutrition to assist it to survive - so we can express ourselves here as the breath within a body.

When we start using the body and resource the energy it produces from the food we eat for use by the mind to entertain ourselves to get a positive energy experience like a computer plugged into a socket on the wall so electricity can run through to power it -  we start taking away what we give the body to support its existence. The mind keeps generating the necessary energy for the mind to exist.

We start to uncontrollably take what belongs to others so we can survive - within self-interest. Team Life has become Team 'I', only interested in its uncontrollable desire to be happy as an individual separate from the whole.

When we compete with one another and run to get one 'certificate' after the other uncontrollably so we can have 'CAN-nned CER-tificates', where fear of survival is driving us, we then go for overdrive, so desiring to have it all - to be superior in this world of competition - within fear of being inferior. 

We can see that team life is in danger - so much so that it can face extinction as it is sabotaging its own existence - the existence of the whole/Body.

Similarly when the cells uncontrollably multiply we look at what is going on and start to take self-responsibility because if we don't, there will be a consequence outflow.

We start to look at the fear that is driving us to compete and look at the commonsense of it all. 

It is about facing the fear, stopping the illusion of seeing oneself as inferior - stopping the competition and stopping using a polarity crutch in satisfying the desire to be superior fueled by the fear.

Where, instead of fearing being inferior, fearing lack and suppressing the pain within our mind and then desiring to be superior by uncontrollably going for 'certificates of achievement',  imagining being the best within our mind - within a 'polarity crutch', we choose to face the fear instead, look at the problem and provide a solution.

Realizing that we are living this one life, working as a a team  that stands for what is best for all. 

We start to face our fears - releasing positive and negative values we give words,  forgiving ourselves and correcting ourselves in our living, breathing through the uncontrollable desire to win and work as team life - equal and one - so as we sort out our within ' as the mind', we stop resourcing the body for energy - we stop participating in mind competitions - we sort out 'our without' and stop all kinds of competitions for profit, for beauty, for fame etc.

Redefinition:

The cells being a basic functioning unit of/as life expressing itself here, multiplying its effectiveness in its functioning so the body can survive to within that enable the body - within its expression, to stand for what is best for all - as part of/as team life.

Health Coaching Me: My Food Log May 24 2013 Vegan Soup With Kelp Noodles and Bison with an Espresso Crust Day 103

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Food Log

May  24, 2013

Friday

 1/8 of a Medium Watermelon

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I ate this at midday. The texture is firm.

It did not have much seeds and it was juicy. It also tasted sweet

i ate one and then i ate another slice until i finished 1/8 of a watermelon.

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 1/2 of a Cantaloupe

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I ate this after i ate the watermelon. 

I was still hungry, so, i went to the fridge and saw a Cantaloupe.

I peeled it and deseeded it. I was so hungry that i finished all of it.

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Sweet Potato Sprouted Chia, 

Sprouted Quinoa and Corn Chips 

('Way Better' Brand )

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I was looking for Mixed vegetable Chips - 

When my partner and i went to the supermarket, i saw the packet saying 

Sweet Potato but then when i was about to put it back, i saw the word "Tortilla' written on the packet. I cannot believe that there's a tortilla made out of Sweet Potato and Corn - i always see the tortillas made of corn. 

I kept looking at the packet.Then, i saw sprouted chia seeds and sprouted Quinoa. I decided to buy one.

I took the chips because i was intrigued by the combination of ingredients

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Cage Free Bison Coffee Crusted : Wholefoods

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I went to Wholefoods with my partner to buy some cage free pork BBQ ribs but then when we arrived

it was closing time, so i looked for meat at the produce department

I pointed on the meat and asked the guy working there if he had turkey or pork and he pointed on the cold cut Turkey.

I asked if this is Cage free. He said yes and then pointed at the Bison 

I asked if it is also cage-free, and he said 'yes'. 

He said it is Bison with an Espresso Crust.

I was surprised that it had an espresso crust because i heard some chefs doing it but never really tried it.

So, I asked him, 'did i hear you right? Did you say Bison using coffee as crust? 

He said 'yes'.

I asked what is Bison. He said it is Buffalo meat. I asked him if i can taste a little bit.

He said, 'yes', and gave me a sample to taste.

It tasted good. so, i bought 3 thin slices.

I ate it in the car. 

I was intrigued that even if they put espresso in the crust, i can't even 

taste it.

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Vegan Sweet Potato Kale Corn Soup (Wholefoods)

with Kelp Noodles, Collard Greens, Coconut Cream powder, Balsamic vinegar  and Ginger

===

While at Wholefoods, I went to the soup department of the Prepared Food Section.
I got some Sweet potato Kale Corn Soup
I tasted it in the car but it was very bland.
I did not like the taste at all.
I did not like to throw it away because i will be wasting money.
So, i decided to add something to it so it will taste good.

I first put olive oil and balsamic vinegar and Braggs Liquid Aminos.

It was 'yucky'.
I tried to look at what could balance the taste of the soup where i can eat it and enjoy it.
I then looked at what goes well with vinegar
I know that back in the Philippines, we put vinegar and ginger in coconut milk.

So, i added coconut cream powder and finely chopped ginger.
I also know that we put greens in coconut milk. 

I saw the collard greens on the table so i sliced 1 big leaf thinly (chiffonade way) 

I had some Kelp noodles from my raw food stash so  i put it in.

It tasted good and the warm noodles was comforting to have for dinner while watching a movie with my partner

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Note: In the next blogs i will look at my fears and desires within my food choices

Sous Vide French Style Cooking and Desire Day 102 Food and the Mind: May 23 2013

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We are going to look at My Fears and Desires 
When i ate the food i ate last May 23, 2013

2 Corns on the Cob
(small to medium)
I went to the Asian shop
and saw this 
I bought one and then 
bought another 1
at about 6 PM

The look of the Corn:

The Corn on the Cob was freshly Boiled with Husks on . The picture was taken after i removed the husks of the corn. This is how we normally eat corn it in the Philippines.

I connected this to a memory of when my mother boils corn in the afternoon and we all 

get some. We first remove the husks and then get salt and eat the corn with salt while talking and laughing on the table

*Fear - fear of not being able to experience that same positive energy when i ate corn on the cob in my country > fear of being sad

*Desire - desire to eat corn on the cob like how we eat it in our country  > desire to be happy

*1 Sous Vide Cage-Free Pork Chop (Thin cut)

Sous-vide (pron.: /suːˈviːd/; French for "under vacuum")^[1] is a method of cooking food sealed in airtight plastic bags in a water bath for longer than normal cooking times—72 hours in some cases—at an accurately regulated temperature much lower than normally used for cooking, typically around 55 °C (131 °F) to 60 °C (140 °F) for meats and higher for vegetables. The intention is to cook the item evenly, and not to overcook the outside while still keeping the inside at the same "doneness", keeping the food juicier.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sous-vide

The meat is vacuum sealed in a plastic bag

and then cooked immersed in water or oil for 2 hours or more 

*Fear - fear of not being able to cook sous vide style > fear of not knowing how to do it

*Fear - fear of not being able to know how to cook in a stylish way > fear of being inferior 

*Desire - desire to cook sous vide style > desire to know how to cook the French way, which is an in thing

*Desire - desire to know how to cook in a stylish way > desire to be superior

*3 1/2 c cauliflower fried rice 

(with sweet potatoes, celery, mushrooms, garlic granules, braggs liquid aminos and olive oil)

*Fear - fear that the cauliflower rice will not taste as tasty as the real fried rice - fear of being sad

*Fear - fear of eating Carbohydrates

*Desire - desire to make the cauliflower rice as tasty as the real rice

*Desire - desire to eat tasty food without the calories in carbohydrates

*1 and 1/2 c grapes midday 

*1 c grapes while watching the movie at night

I soaked it in water and then rinsed it

*Fear - fear of eating food with pesticide > fear of getting sick

*Desire - desire to live longer > desire to not get sick/desire to be healthy

*1 c thin corn chips freshly cooked

My partner got some chips 'to go' and left it in the car

I saw it while in the car and ate the rest

*Fear of eating GMO corn > fear of being sick

*Fear of getting bored in the car > fear of not being entertained

*Desire - desire to eat non GMO corn > desire to be healthy

*Desire to eat something crunchy that will cover up the boredom > desire to be entertained

Note: In the next blog, i will look at fears and desires - the problem and the solution.

Quote:

'The energy of fear takes the physical body and so ones beingness into a resonant state of stress and tension and when one move ones sound in the self-forgiveness as a gentle soft depth, assist and support with that change of energy and its consequence to self stability in the physical body... '
=
'What is fascinating about desire is also its often or frequent attachment to fear in that one will be in a desire but at the same time there will be a fear as well in how one get into that internal conflict for a moment - i want to but i don't but i can't stop myself, oh and there i go and then one give in to the particular specific desire...'

From the Interview: When Desire becomes Overwhelming 

Health Coaching Me: More Grapes Day 101 My Food Log May 23, 2013

 

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This is What I Eat For The Day
May 23, 2013

2 Corns on the Cob
(small to medium)
I went to the Asian shop
and saw this 
I bought one and then 
bought another 1
at about 6 PM

*1 Sous Vide Pork Chop (Thin cut)

*3 1/2 c cauliflower fried rice 

(with sweet potatoes, celery, mushrooms, garlic granules, braggs liquid aminos and olive oil)

*1 and 1/2 c grapes midday 

*1 c grapes while watching the movie at night

I soaked it in water and then rinsed it

*1 c thin corn chips freshly cooked

My partner got some chips 'to go' and left it in the car

I saw it while in the car and ate the rest

Note: I will Look at my fears and desires underlying my choice of food, in the coming blogs

Quote:

'The energy of fear takes the physical body and so ones beingness into a resonant state of stress and tension and when one move ones sound in the self-forgiveness as a gentle soft depth, assist and support with that change of energy and its consequence to self stability in the physical body... '
=
'What is fascinating about desire is also its often or frequent attachment to fear in that one will be in a desire but at the same time there will be a fear as well in how one get into that internal conflict for a moment - i want to but i don't but i can't stop myself, oh and there i go and then one give in to the particular specific desire...'

From the Interview: When Desire becomes Overwhelming 

Solution To Overeating: 'I Have To Eat the Blue Cheese' Day 100 Facing My Fears 052213

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This Blog is A Continuation of this Blog::

http://foodandnutritionjunejourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/05/health-coaching-me-my-food-log-may-22.html

Re: My food log May 22, 2013

I Saw the Ad in Wholefoods for a Blue Cheese Making class,

Here's what went on in my mind:

> this is a chance to taste blue cheese
>>for $5 each, we can learn how to make cheese
>>>and at the same time taste blue cheese
>>>>I have not tasted blue cheese before and i want to find out what it taste like
>>>>>I am excited
>>>>>> i know her, she's that lady who helped me find the cheese i need
>>>>>>>and she recognized me
>>>>>>>>she looks stressed
>>>>>>>>>she must have worked  so hard putting  up this event
>>>>>>>>>>wow they are giving us a bowl of blue cheese to taste and put with the other cheese
>>>>>>>>>>> let me taste this
>>>>>>>>>>>>those blue strains
>>>>>>>>>>>>>that's bacteria
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>I wonder if that will make me sick?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>but let me taste it first and then find out
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>i really don't like it
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>these blue strains might do something in my stomach
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>but i have to eat because she looks she is tired from preparing all these

looking at this Mind Pattern, I saw Some Points:

*Projecting my Fear of sickness to the blue cheese
*Fear of Making the Host Angry - Desire to eat to please the host
*Fear of not being liked - Desire to eat to please the host

I will do self-forgiveness to release my fear
and a correction Script
That can guide me in what to do when presented with the same situation

In another blog i will redefine the words 'blue cheese', 'sickness'
and 'bacteria'

Fears:
Fear of sickness
Fear of the bacteria/mold
Fear of making others sad
Fear of being alone
Fear of others getting angry at me

Desire to be healthy/Not be sick
Desire to be liked
Desire for others to be pleased

Self-forgiveness 

Eating Food To Please The Host When Attending an Event:

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to
participate in the design of 'fear of survival - as form - as energy'

fear not being liked
fear being alone
fear being lonely
fear of others being sad
fear of others getting angry at me

believing that if i do not do what the host would want me to do
believing that if i do not eat the blue cheese
i will be inferior to the rest of the class
believing that if i do not eat
i will upset the host
and she will get angry at me

so desiring to eat food
that the body does not need
when attending an event
eating only because i want to please the host of the event
instead of eating food the body needs
when it needs the food
to support itself to survive optimally

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to
participate in the design of 'fear of survival - as form - as bacteria - as energy'

fear that the mold in the blue cheese will
do something in my stomach
and make me sick

I commit myself to
when i see myself
and as i see myself
desiring to eat
to please the host of the event
i stop myself
and breathe through the desire

I commit myself to
when and as i see myself
fearing to eat the blue cheese
fearing sickness and death
believing the bacteria will make me sick
I stop
I breathe through the fear
I realize this is me as the mind
defining myself within a polarity
within frction and conflict
within sickness and health
fearing sickness - and desiring health

I realized that this is me as the mind
running away from my fear of sickness
my fear to the blue cheese and the mold
refusing to eat the cheese

desiring to cover it up
desiring to please the host by eating
whatever food is served
desiring to be 'one of the guys' or 'blend in'
desiring to please the host so she will not be angry at me
not realizing
this way
i live my fears
instead of stopping them

leading to a
consequence outflow

in 'my within' as the mind - as resonant stress
which leads to overeating - as i use food to remove the stress
instead of facing my fear

and in 'my without' as this world system
as fear of survival
which leads to being a workaholic
or a 'vacation - holic'
as i try to heal myself of the stress
instead of facing my fear

instead of facing my fear
and stopping my fear

I assist myself to face my fears
to instead of running away from them
and desiring something else
to cover up my fears
take me by the hand
and assist myself
to walk back
and see where this all started
unconditionally loving myself
being patient with myself
realizing that i accumulated these over time
and it will take years to sort this out

to through writing,
self-forgiveness and
changing myself in my living application
correct myself

I change my starting point
from eating to please the cook or the host/make her happy
to eating what the body needs
supporting it to survive optimally

'I Have to Eat So I Will NOT Make The Host Feel Bad'' Day 99 Alone

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I am looking at this Mind Eating Pattern:

Eating Food when attending an Event to Please The Host:

>everyone is eating
>>I have to eat even if i really don't feel like eating
>>>i don't like to spoil the event
>>>>i have to eat a little bit
>>>>>so i will not make the host feel bad

' your mind is that very system that manipulate, deceive and lie
to your very beingness to get your beingness to respond 
in a very particular specific way to the mind'  
Interview from Eqafe

This is directed by me as the mind
the alternate version of me
as who i have become

I am rewritting the patterns within myself
to through self-forgiveness, writting
and self correction in my living
birth me here as who i really am

Quote:

'The energy of fear takes the physical body and so ones beingness into a resonant state of stress and tension and when one move ones sound in the self-forgiveness as a gentle soft depth, assist and support with that change of energy and its consequence to self stability in the physical body... '
=
'What is fascinating about desire is also its often or frequent attachment to fear in that one will be in a desire but at the same time there will be a fear as well in how one get into that internal conflict for a moment - i want to but i don't but i can't stop myself, oh and there i go and then one give in to the particular specific desire...'

From the Interview: When Desire becomes Overwhelming 

==

Self-forgiveness Statements


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to
participate in the design of 'fear of survival - as form - as energy'

fear that i will be disturbing the positive energy experience  - or happiness
experienced by everyone participating in the event or make the host feel
bad if i do not eat

believing that i have to do what everyone does
believing that if i don't i will create a negative energy experience
that will make everyone sad
believing that if i create a negative experience
they will hate me for that
believing that if they hate me
i will have no friends
believing that if i have no friends
i will be alone and lonely

not realizing i am running from my
fear of being alone
fear of having no friends
fear of others hating me
fear of making other people sad

desiring to eat because everyone is eating
to cover up my fear

the evil me being self-dishonest
instead of realizing i am here as breath in every moment
able to self-direct me here

Through this,
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to
doubt who i am
uncertain of whether i am the one desiring to please the host
or the one who is eating to assist the body to survive

perceiving that
i am split into 2
the ego and the self
the honest one or the self-dishonest one
doubting myself

instead of realizing that
my beingness is trapped
within my mind and my body
and it is to release my beingness
through writing, self-forgiveness
and self correction in my living
as per my self correction script
assisting me
to accept and allow me
to live as who i really am, how i really am and what i really am
as wholeness

Through this,
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed  myself
to blame the physical for creating
hosts that get angry when i do not eat
instead of realizing that i am the one thinking this is in my mind
so i have to take self-responsibility
to through writing, self-forgiveness and
commitment to correct myself in my living
change myself
stabilize me as breath when and as i am
attending an event
be self- honest
and eat to support my body
change my starting point
from wanting to please
to eating food to assist the body
to get the nutrition that it needs

Through this,
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to
have the excuse that i have to survive
as that personality that does not make the host feel bad
by not eating so i can make people feel good
about themselves

not realizing that people cannot realize through me
as they have an individual process to walk

not realizing
i am re-living a memory
of me hearing my mom, family and friends in the Philippines
repeating the words
'you have to eat, i made this for you, you have to eat, i will feel bad if you do not eat!'
over and over again when i was young

repeating the same pattern again and again
as the words, pictures and behaviors that constitute the memory
within my mind

Through this
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to
justify the excuse that i have to survive as the personality
that eats to please the host of the event
believing that i will be whole
to instead of displeasing the host, please the host
not realizing this is balance in polarity
where i fear not pleasing the host - so desires to please the host

instead of realizing wholeness does not require separating from the source
so does not need to unite to the source to become whole

Health Coaching Me: My Food Log May 22, 2013 Day 98

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Health Coaching Me

I am studying Health Coaching from the Institute of Integrative Nutrition. I finished the requirement to practice Health Coaching recently.

I did not want to coach someone and tell that person how  to walk this process when i have not walked the process.

So, walk with me as i stand, fall and stand again and stay standing. The tool i use is self-forgiveness. The link to my self-forgiveness is at the last part of the blog.

I am starting with Myself. I am assisting myself in my journey to life - of eating to support my body.


I am starting a Daily Food Log. Today's date is,  May 22, 2013


Food for Today: 












Nectarines = 2

 Cheese balls (attended a cheese making class in Wholefoods) = 2

 Blue  Cheese 1/8 c

  Pecans = 1/8 c

Cherries = 2

Dates = 3 - stuffed with Cream cheese and cheddar

water = 2 cups

 watermelon = 1 and 1/2 c
I just chopped the watermelon

Grapes and grapefruit Drink 

Blend 1 c grapes in a Blender with juice of 1 grapefruit

Strain with

Cheddar cheese = 4 oz

Chai tea = 8 oz

Rosemary crackers = 6 oz.

I was at Wholefoods supermarket to buy something
I looked around and then bought and ate some cheddar cheese and rosemary crackers
The reason i bought the cheese is the lady said that it is made where they really take care of their cows
The crackers the lady said is her favorite, but i also thought about the unique cracker flavored with rosemary.
The chai tea is sweetened with honey and the milk used is almond milk
 
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Decoding The Mind of A Juice Feaster and A Cancer Patient Day 97 Cancer Cure

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Life Review: My Life with Cancer

In my past blogs i was decoding my mind as a meat eater
cooked vegetarian, cooked vegan, raw foodist, sungazer/liquidarian,

a juice feaster, a fruitarian and a recovering raw foodist

I am in a way hacking my mind
decrypting the codes of my mind

When i looked at my food programming timeline
I saw repeating patterns

Let's look at My Mind As A Juice Feaster (one who survives on juice)
and A Breast Cancer Patient

I will bring my memories back here of when i became a 'Juice Feaster' (One who survives on juices) and when i had Breast Cancer (2008) and look at it, in this moment:

Pattern Number 9

Mind of a Recovering Juice Feaster/ Cancer Patient

>when the doctor told me i had breast cancer, i was not surprised as i have seen the tumor grow
>>I hid it believing it will stop growing and magically disappear

>>>i hoped that through good nutrition and a healthy diet i can fix this
>>>>it is now obvious this does not work, it can make me feel light or heavy
>>>>>but it does not heal the cause of this
>>>>>>i wanted to know the cause of cancer
>>>i have to do research myself
>>>>i will search the internet and see what they have in terms of cure
>>>>>some uses baking soda in their water
>>>>>>some go and check in - in expensive health resorts that give them a healthy diet
>>>>>>>some juice wheat grass
>>>>>>>>some cleanse their blood through oxegenating it
>>>>>>>>>but how do i know what really happened to them
>>>>>>>>>>how do i know the ins and out of what they went through
>>>>>>>>>>>I am confused
>>>>>>>>>>>>I still do not know what works
>>>all i know is that i have to take the mental cause of this,  head on - look at my thoughts, backchats etc.
>>>>i will use self-forgiveness for that, i have used it for a year - it's difficult but it makes sense
>>>>>it is me that is forgiving myself so i know i am doing something for myself for real
>>>>>>and then i will take on the physical part which is, assist my body to survive
>>>>>>>this is a big thing, it is difficult because this does not allow me to even feel sad about this

>>>>>>>>i have to be here and  look at the physical body and what will commonsensically help
>>>>>>>>>this is a big job
>>>>>>>>>>but if i transcend all these
>>>>>>>>>>>i will be stronger and know more about myself
>>>>>>>>>>>>and I will not be scared of death anymore
>>>>>>>>>>>>>i'd like to transcend this
>>>>>>>>>>>>>i have tackled many problems in my life and i am still here so i know i can do this
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>I just have to pull myself together

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>it is very difficult to look at the practical side of things when i have fear of death
>>>the doctors just do what they do like a robot of the system
>>>>and the information in the internet does not help me to decide what to do
>>>>>i wish i will find something that will tell me what to do exactly
>>>>>>what is the cause of this
>>>>>>>and how to survive this
>>>>>>>>i have to see the commonsense of all these myself
>>>These doctors cannot be trusted
>>>>the medicine they give is full of chemicals which even cause side effects
>>>>>i do not like medicines
>>>>>>i do not like nurses
>>>>>>>i do not like hospitals
>>>>>>>>i guess i have to do self-forgiveness for my  fear of all these

>>>I heard Chinese herbs work

>>>>i will investigate everything that can help me because i am alone in this  life and death situation

>>>>>this Chinese doctor, she just does what she normally does
>>>>>>she does not really care if i live or die

>>>>>>>that acupuncture made me relax a bit, but not much

>>>>>>>>but i did not see any change in my body, or should i see any change?
>>>>>>>>i know she will give me a list of herbs to buy and cook

>>>>>>>>>the taste of these herbs is horrible
>>>>>>>>>>i tend to feel like i want to vomit when i take them
>>>>>>>>>>>but i will take them hopefully this  will heal me and make me survive

>>>>>>>>>>>they are very bitter and cost a lot of money

>>>>>>>>>>>>illness also cost money
>>>what other things work?
>>>>i remember my friend bought a radionics machine in the US
>>>>let me contact him
>>>>>he said to send him a strand of my hair
>>>>>>and he will see what kind of remedy will match
>>>>>>>let me buy this remedy
>>>>>>>>i hope this works because in a week's time i will have my surgery
>>>>>>>>>i feel that something is being squeezed from within, i do not know what is going on
>>>>>>>>>>but the tumor is still big
>>>>>>>>>>>i do not really have any option but surgery

>>>this is too much to deal with
>>>>what will happen to my kids if i leave
>>>>>i guess they will still survive as they have survived in the past
>>>>>>even with me abroad
>>>>>>>i do not have much to lose if i die as i do not have much possession and ties
>>>>>>>>but this life is important for me as i would like to do many things in this life to assist people
>>>>>>>>>i don't know how yet
>>>>>>>>>>but i will
>>>>>>>>>>>given more time

>>>>my mom is here again trying to help me and assist me to drink the mushroom capsules
>>>>>she wanted me to take
>>>>>>it's supposed to work
>>>>>>>because she said it worked for her

>>>>>>>>she's nagging me

>>>>>>>>>and it irritates me

>>>>>>>>>>i noticed i get irritated immediately now

>>>>>>>>>>>this itchy nagging feeling inside my body is stressful

>>>added to that is - people around me are more scared than me of cancer and death

>>>>this is ridiculous, lol

>>>>>i even talk to them that i am allright - and talk to them about their fears

>>>>>>I am grateful that i have learned self-forgiveness
>>>>>>>I am grateful to Desteni

>>>>>>>>I don't know how i can battle this disease without self-forgiveness
>>>>>>>>>somehow i can feel the release  in my body when i forgive myself
>>>>>>>>>>but now the lump has grown to the size of a small melon
>>>>>>>>>>>i need to also look at the physical side of things
>>>>>>>>>>>>and find out what to do with my body
>>>>>>>>>>>>>I don't even know what caused cancer

>>>i can't eat much because of this burning itchy nagging feeling inside me

>>>>these juices will help me feel light

>>>>>solids make me feel heavy

>>>>>>heaviness and that burning itchy nagging feeling that is there constantly is too much for me

>>>>>>>I will make juices - of  fruits and herbs throughout the day

>>>>>>>>I have my mom to help me

>>>>>>>>>but i hope she will not nag me

>>>>>>>>>>because that in itself is stressful

>>>>>>>>>>>the surgeon told me i have to get chemotherapy and radiation

>>>>>>>>>>>>he said if i don't, it will be nasty that even my family will not want to visit me

>>>>>>>>>>>>>fuck, how can he scare me when i am ill?

>>>it is difficult to decide which way i am going
>>>> but i am the only one that knows my body well enough

>>>>>his suggestion is to have radiation to collapse the tumor

>>>>>>then have chemotherapy to kill the cancer cells

>>>>>>>but with that burning itchy nagging feeling here all day plus weakness due to chemo, i will die

>>>>>>>>it is just too much for me to take

>>>>>>>>>and he said there is no chance of survival

>>>so let me have another opinion from another doctor

>>>>he said that radiation can work but again , no chance of survival

>>>>>they diagnosed me as having stage 4 breast cancer

>>>let me talk to another yogi friend, also a surgeon

>>>>he said that  my chances in surviving  if i opt for surgery is not much but anything is possible

>>>>>>i think that when that throbbing burning itchy feeling is gone when the tumor is gone

>>>>>>>i will be okay because i will feel comfortable

>>>>>>>>he said  if they remove all of the tissues in my breast and that's hard to do - there's a chance

>>> i opted for surgery only

>>>>refusing chemotherapy and radiation

>>>>>i still have to make decisions even when i am ill? 

>>>>>>This is ridiculous, but what can i do? I am the only one who i can trust to decide for me

>>>>>>>this surgeon is in the operating room so let me request him to remove all breast cancerous tissues

>>>he said he will try, but he did not really like my decision to not have chemo and radiation

>>>>even my oncologist shakes his head with my decision and does not want to look at me in the eye
>>>>>he did not like that i went against his advise - to have radiation and chemotherapy

>>>>>>even my surgeon does not like my decision - it is not what he advised me to do
>>>>>>>now i am awake from the operation

>>>>>>>>my left front thigh is bandaged as they grafted my thigh skin to the breast

>>>>>>>>>it's difficult to move my legs

>>>>>>>>>>I am wondering why there's no pain
>>>>>>>>>>>I did not take drugs either after the operation
>>>>>>>>>>>>I feel okay
>>>It is interesting that the yogi friends that came over
>>>>were sad when they came
>>>>>i had to even make the yogi teacher feel better
>>>>>>I am thankful that self-forgiveness is here
>>>>>>>It assisted me in releasing my fears

>>>>>>>>>the burning, itchy,  nagging feeling is gone

>>>>>>>>>>but my body is deformed
>>>>>>>>>>>what will my husband think of my body?
>>>>>>>>>>>>how will he survive without sex for about 3 months
>>>>>>>>>>>>>I am worried that he will cheat

>>>I am scared of wounds and blood
>>>> yet they wanted me to nurse my breast wound myself

>>>>>this is scary
>>>>>>and they also wanted me to change the dressing of the thigh wound, are you kidding me?

>>>>>>but it's good to know that i am still here
>>>>>>>i only have myself and self-forgiveness, nothing else, when i faced death
>>>>>>>>self-forgiveness works
>>>>>>>>>i am grateful
>>>I am also thankful that i saw my desires and fears about how i look
>>>>how can i not know that i have fear of my body being deformed
>>>>>until now, after surgery?
>>>>>>I did not know i had fear of death until now, that i faced death in the face
>>>>>>>I really thought i did not have any fear of death nor being deformed
>>>>>>>>my thigh has changed
>>>>>>>>> i have only one breast
>>>>>>>>>>that's sad
>>>>>>>>>>>i am just glad that my husband has a good health care coverage that covers both of us
>>>>>>>>>>>>the treatment bills cost $30,000
>>>>>>>>>>>>>i will be fucked without this insurance
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>I am grateful that he works in a good company
>>>how will my husband react to these changes in my body, i wonder?
>>>>that remains to be seen
>>>>>I hope he does not mind these changes
>>>>>> I really do not know what he is thinking so I know he will not
>>>>>>>>>>>>but at the moment all i care about is that i am alive
>>>>>>>>>>>>>i am really grateful that i am alive

===

Note: Desires are fuelled by fears. The 'positive' comes from the accumulation of the 'negative'

Let's look at Some of my Fears and Desires:

Fear 1: fear of being physically deformed             
Desire 1: to be physically perfect

Fear 2: fear of others knowing i am ill/sick having a tumor in my breast/cancer                                        
Desire 2: to eat healthy food - without any illness/without any tumor/cancer

Fear 3: fear of not knowing the cause of cancer  so i can avoid doing it and  survive
Desire 3: to research - to know the cause of cancer so i will be able to avoid it

Fear 4: fear of not knowing what happens to other cancer patients          
Desire 4: to know what they went through - to see how they survived and be able to beat this disease - so i can survive the disease
                                                         

Fear 5: fear of doctors
Desire 5: desire to take care of myself and eat healthy food at home and not go to the hospital to see a doctor                           

       

Fear 6:  fear of nurses 
Desire 6: desire to take care of myself - eat healthy food at home and not go to the hospital
and be taken cared of by a nurse

Fear 7:  fear of hospitals 
Desire 7: desire to not get sick, eat healthy food and take care of myself at home and forever be healthy so i will not be sick and be in the hospital

Fear 8:fear of being alone when i die
Desire 8: desire to have/be with someone when i die- to save me, just in case i encounter pain and suffering - so he can hold my hand and assure me everything will be okay

Let's look at Some of My Beliefs:

Belief 1: if my body is deformed, people will not like me because i look ugly

Belief 2: if others know i am sick they will look down on me

Belief 3: if i know the cause of cancer i will be able to avoid it

Belief 4: that if i know how others survive cancer i will know to survive cancer

Belief 5: that doctors do not care believing they do not even care about what they eat
so they will not care about me nor what i eat

Belief 6: that nurses are paid to take care of sick people - believing that they only do what they do because they are paid to do it
Belief 7: that hospitals are places where sick people stay
Belief 8: believing that i do not know what happens after death - believing that because i do not know what happens when i die i have to have someone with me to save me from danger, pain or suffering - believing that if i am alone, no one will save me and i will suffer alone - believing i need someone to save me from pain and suffering and assure me everything will be okay 

Quote:

' your mind is that very system that manipulate, deceive and lie
to your very beingness to get your beingness to respond
in a very particular specific way to the mind'
Interview from Eqafe

I ask myself these questions:
1. Is my beingness trapped within this pattern (at the beginning at the blog)?
2. Can i free my beingness from this trap?

To See the Problem and Solution 

follow the link, Problem Solution Reward

Quote:

'The energy of fear takes the physical body and so ones beingness into a resonant state of stress and tension and when one move ones sound in the self-forgiveness as a gentle soft depth, assist and support with that change of energy and its consequence to self stability in the physical body... '
=
'What is fascinating about desire is also its often or frequent attachment to fear in that one will be in a desire but at the same time there will be a fear as well in how one get into that internal conflict for a moment - i want to but i don't but i can't stop myself, oh and there i go and then one give in to the particular specific desire...'

From the Interview: When Desire becomes Overwhelming