In my past blogs i was decoding my mind as a meat eater
cooked vegetarian, cooked vegan, raw foodist, sungazer/liquidarian,
cooked vegetarian, cooked vegan, raw foodist, sungazer/liquidarian,
a juice feaster, a fruitarian and a recovering raw foodist
I am in a way hacking my mind
decrypting the codes of my mind
When i looked at my food programming timeline
I saw repeating patterns
Let's look at My Mind As A Juice Feaster (one who survives on juice)
and A Breast Cancer Patient
I will bring my memories back here of when i became a 'Juice Feaster' (One who survives on juices) and when i had Breast Cancer (2008) and look at it, in this moment:
I am in a way hacking my mind
decrypting the codes of my mind
When i looked at my food programming timeline
I saw repeating patterns
Let's look at My Mind As A Juice Feaster (one who survives on juice)
and A Breast Cancer Patient
I will bring my memories back here of when i became a 'Juice Feaster' (One who survives on juices) and when i had Breast Cancer (2008) and look at it, in this moment:
Pattern Number 9
Mind of a Recovering Juice Feaster/ Cancer Patient
>when the doctor told me i had breast cancer, i was not surprised as i have seen the tumor grow
>>I hid it believing it will stop growing and magically disappear
>>I hid it believing it will stop growing and magically disappear
>>>i hoped that through good nutrition and a healthy diet i can fix this
>>>>it is now obvious this does not work, it can make me feel light or heavy
>>>>>but it does not heal the cause of this
>>>>>>i wanted to know the cause of cancer
>>>i have to do research myself
>>>>i will search the internet and see what they have in terms of cure
>>>>>some uses baking soda in their water
>>>>>>some go and check in - in expensive health resorts that give them a healthy diet
>>>>>>>some juice wheat grass
>>>>>>>>some cleanse their blood through oxegenating it
>>>>>>>>>but how do i know what really happened to them
>>>>>>>>>>how do i know the ins and out of what they went through
>>>>>>>>>>>I am confused
>>>>>>>>>>>>I still do not know what works
>>>all i know is that i have to take the mental cause of this, head on - look at my thoughts, backchats etc.
>>>>i will use self-forgiveness for that, i have used it for a year - it's difficult but it makes sense
>>>>>it is me that is forgiving myself so i know i am doing something for myself for real
>>>>>>and then i will take on the physical part which is, assist my body to survive
>>>>>>>this is a big thing, it is difficult because this does not allow me to even feel sad about this
>>>>it is now obvious this does not work, it can make me feel light or heavy
>>>>>but it does not heal the cause of this
>>>>>>i wanted to know the cause of cancer
>>>i have to do research myself
>>>>i will search the internet and see what they have in terms of cure
>>>>>some uses baking soda in their water
>>>>>>some go and check in - in expensive health resorts that give them a healthy diet
>>>>>>>some juice wheat grass
>>>>>>>>some cleanse their blood through oxegenating it
>>>>>>>>>but how do i know what really happened to them
>>>>>>>>>>how do i know the ins and out of what they went through
>>>>>>>>>>>I am confused
>>>>>>>>>>>>I still do not know what works
>>>all i know is that i have to take the mental cause of this, head on - look at my thoughts, backchats etc.
>>>>i will use self-forgiveness for that, i have used it for a year - it's difficult but it makes sense
>>>>>it is me that is forgiving myself so i know i am doing something for myself for real
>>>>>>and then i will take on the physical part which is, assist my body to survive
>>>>>>>this is a big thing, it is difficult because this does not allow me to even feel sad about this
>>>>>>>>i have to be here and look at the physical body and what will commonsensically help
>>>>>>>>>this is a big job
>>>>>>>>>>but if i transcend all these
>>>>>>>>>>>i will be stronger and know more about myself
>>>>>>>>>>>>and I will not be scared of death anymore
>>>>>>>>>>>>>i'd like to transcend this
>>>>>>>>>>>>>i have tackled many problems in my life and i am still here so i know i can do this
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>I just have to pull myself together
>>>>>>>>>this is a big job
>>>>>>>>>>but if i transcend all these
>>>>>>>>>>>i will be stronger and know more about myself
>>>>>>>>>>>>and I will not be scared of death anymore
>>>>>>>>>>>>>i'd like to transcend this
>>>>>>>>>>>>>i have tackled many problems in my life and i am still here so i know i can do this
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>I just have to pull myself together
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>it is very difficult to look at the practical side of things when i have fear of death
>>>the doctors just do what they do like a robot of the system
>>>>and the information in the internet does not help me to decide what to do
>>>>>i wish i will find something that will tell me what to do exactly
>>>>>>what is the cause of this
>>>>>>>and how to survive this
>>>>>>>>i have to see the commonsense of all these myself
>>>These doctors cannot be trusted
>>>>the medicine they give is full of chemicals which even cause side effects
>>>>>i do not like medicines
>>>>>>i do not like nurses
>>>>>>>i do not like hospitals
>>>>>>>>i guess i have to do self-forgiveness for my fear of all these
>>>the doctors just do what they do like a robot of the system
>>>>and the information in the internet does not help me to decide what to do
>>>>>i wish i will find something that will tell me what to do exactly
>>>>>>what is the cause of this
>>>>>>>and how to survive this
>>>>>>>>i have to see the commonsense of all these myself
>>>These doctors cannot be trusted
>>>>the medicine they give is full of chemicals which even cause side effects
>>>>>i do not like medicines
>>>>>>i do not like nurses
>>>>>>>i do not like hospitals
>>>>>>>>i guess i have to do self-forgiveness for my fear of all these
>>>I heard Chinese herbs work
>>>>i will investigate everything that can help me because i am alone in this life and death situation
>>>>>this Chinese doctor, she just does what she normally does
>>>>>>she does not really care if i live or die
>>>>>>she does not really care if i live or die
>>>>>>>that acupuncture made me relax a bit, but not much
>>>>>>>>but i did not see any change in my body, or should i see any change?
>>>>>>>>i know she will give me a list of herbs to buy and cook
>>>>>>>>i know she will give me a list of herbs to buy and cook
>>>>>>>>>the taste of these herbs is horrible
>>>>>>>>>>i tend to feel like i want to vomit when i take them
>>>>>>>>>>>but i will take them hopefully this will heal me and make me survive
>>>>>>>>>>i tend to feel like i want to vomit when i take them
>>>>>>>>>>>but i will take them hopefully this will heal me and make me survive
>>>>>>>>>>>they are very bitter and cost a lot of money
>>>>>>>>>>>>illness also cost money
>>>what other things work?
>>>>i remember my friend bought a radionics machine in the US
>>>>let me contact him
>>>>>he said to send him a strand of my hair
>>>>>>and he will see what kind of remedy will match
>>>>>>>let me buy this remedy
>>>>>>>>i hope this works because in a week's time i will have my surgery
>>>>>>>>>i feel that something is being squeezed from within, i do not know what is going on
>>>>>>>>>>but the tumor is still big
>>>>>>>>>>>i do not really have any option but surgery
>>>what other things work?
>>>>i remember my friend bought a radionics machine in the US
>>>>let me contact him
>>>>>he said to send him a strand of my hair
>>>>>>and he will see what kind of remedy will match
>>>>>>>let me buy this remedy
>>>>>>>>i hope this works because in a week's time i will have my surgery
>>>>>>>>>i feel that something is being squeezed from within, i do not know what is going on
>>>>>>>>>>but the tumor is still big
>>>>>>>>>>>i do not really have any option but surgery
>>>this is too much to deal with
>>>>what will happen to my kids if i leave
>>>>>i guess they will still survive as they have survived in the past
>>>>>>even with me abroad
>>>>>>>i do not have much to lose if i die as i do not have much possession and ties
>>>>>>>>but this life is important for me as i would like to do many things in this life to assist people
>>>>>>>>>i don't know how yet
>>>>>>>>>>but i will
>>>>>>>>>>>given more time
>>>>what will happen to my kids if i leave
>>>>>i guess they will still survive as they have survived in the past
>>>>>>even with me abroad
>>>>>>>i do not have much to lose if i die as i do not have much possession and ties
>>>>>>>>but this life is important for me as i would like to do many things in this life to assist people
>>>>>>>>>i don't know how yet
>>>>>>>>>>but i will
>>>>>>>>>>>given more time
>>>>my mom is here again trying to help me and assist me to drink the mushroom capsules
>>>>>she wanted me to take
>>>>>>it's supposed to work
>>>>>>>because she said it worked for her
>>>>>she wanted me to take
>>>>>>it's supposed to work
>>>>>>>because she said it worked for her
>>>>>>>>she's nagging me
>>>>>>>>>and it irritates me
>>>>>>>>>>i noticed i get irritated immediately now
>>>>>>>>>>>this itchy nagging feeling inside my body is stressful
>>>added to that is - people around me are more scared than me of cancer and death
>>>>this is ridiculous, lol
>>>>>i even talk to them that i am allright - and talk to them about their fears
>>>>>>I am grateful that i have learned self-forgiveness
>>>>>>>I am grateful to Desteni
>>>>>>>I am grateful to Desteni
>>>>>>>>I don't know how i can battle this disease without self-forgiveness
>>>>>>>>>somehow i can feel the release in my body when i forgive myself
>>>>>>>>>>but now the lump has grown to the size of a small melon
>>>>>>>>>>>i need to also look at the physical side of things
>>>>>>>>>>>>and find out what to do with my body
>>>>>>>>>>>>>I don't even know what caused cancer
>>>>>>>>>somehow i can feel the release in my body when i forgive myself
>>>>>>>>>>but now the lump has grown to the size of a small melon
>>>>>>>>>>>i need to also look at the physical side of things
>>>>>>>>>>>>and find out what to do with my body
>>>>>>>>>>>>>I don't even know what caused cancer
>>>i can't eat much because of this burning itchy nagging feeling inside me
>>>>these juices will help me feel light
>>>>>solids make me feel heavy
>>>>>>heaviness and that burning itchy nagging feeling that is there constantly is too much for me
>>>>>>>I will make juices - of fruits and herbs throughout the day
>>>>>>>>I have my mom to help me
>>>>>>>>>but i hope she will not nag me
>>>>>>>>>>because that in itself is stressful
>>>>>>>>>>>the surgeon told me i have to get chemotherapy and radiation
>>>>>>>>>>>>he said if i don't, it will be nasty that even my family will not want to visit me
>>>>>>>>>>>>>fuck, how can he scare me when i am ill?
>>>it is difficult to decide which way i am going
>>>> but i am the only one that knows my body well enough
>>>> but i am the only one that knows my body well enough
>>>>>his suggestion is to have radiation to collapse the tumor
>>>>>>then have chemotherapy to kill the cancer cells
>>>>>>>but with that burning itchy nagging feeling here all day plus weakness due to chemo, i will die
>>>>>>>>it is just too much for me to take
>>>>>>>>>and he said there is no chance of survival
>>>so let me have another opinion from another doctor
>>>>he said that radiation can work but again , no chance of survival
>>>>>they diagnosed me as having stage 4 breast cancer
>>>let me talk to another yogi friend, also a surgeon
>>>>he said that my chances in surviving if i opt for surgery is not much but anything is possible
>>>>>>i think that when that throbbing burning itchy feeling is gone when the tumor is gone
>>>>>>>i will be okay because i will feel comfortable
>>>>>>>>he said if they remove all of the tissues in my breast and that's hard to do - there's a chance
>>> i opted for surgery only
>>>>refusing chemotherapy and radiation
>>>>>i still have to make decisions even when i am ill?
>>>>>>This is ridiculous, but what can i do? I am the only one who i can trust to decide for me
>>>>>>>this surgeon is in the operating room so let me request him to remove all breast cancerous tissues
>>>he said he will try, but he did not really like my decision to not have chemo and radiation
>>>>even my oncologist shakes his head with my decision and does not want to look at me in the eye
>>>>>he did not like that i went against his advise - to have radiation and chemotherapy
>>>>>he did not like that i went against his advise - to have radiation and chemotherapy
>>>>>>even my surgeon does not like my decision - it is not what he advised me to do
>>>>>>>now i am awake from the operation
>>>>>>>now i am awake from the operation
>>>>>>>>my left front thigh is bandaged as they grafted my thigh skin to the breast
>>>>>>>>>it's difficult to move my legs
>>>>>>>>>>I am wondering why there's no pain
>>>>>>>>>>>I did not take drugs either after the operation
>>>>>>>>>>>>I feel okay
>>>It is interesting that the yogi friends that came over
>>>>were sad when they came
>>>>>i had to even make the yogi teacher feel better
>>>>>>I am thankful that self-forgiveness is here
>>>>>>>It assisted me in releasing my fears
>>>>>>>>>>>I did not take drugs either after the operation
>>>>>>>>>>>>I feel okay
>>>It is interesting that the yogi friends that came over
>>>>were sad when they came
>>>>>i had to even make the yogi teacher feel better
>>>>>>I am thankful that self-forgiveness is here
>>>>>>>It assisted me in releasing my fears
>>>>>>>>>the burning, itchy, nagging feeling is gone
>>>>>>>>>>but my body is deformed
>>>>>>>>>>>what will my husband think of my body?
>>>>>>>>>>>>how will he survive without sex for about 3 months
>>>>>>>>>>>>>I am worried that he will cheat
>>>>>>>>>>>what will my husband think of my body?
>>>>>>>>>>>>how will he survive without sex for about 3 months
>>>>>>>>>>>>>I am worried that he will cheat
>>>I am scared of wounds and blood
>>>> yet they wanted me to nurse my breast wound myself
>>>> yet they wanted me to nurse my breast wound myself
>>>>>this is scary
>>>>>>and they also wanted me to change the dressing of the thigh wound, are you kidding me?
>>>>>>and they also wanted me to change the dressing of the thigh wound, are you kidding me?
>>>>>>but it's good to know that i am still here
>>>>>>>i only have myself and self-forgiveness, nothing else, when i faced death
>>>>>>>>self-forgiveness works
>>>>>>>>>i am grateful
>>>I am also thankful that i saw my desires and fears about how i look
>>>>how can i not know that i have fear of my body being deformed
>>>>>until now, after surgery?
>>>>>>I did not know i had fear of death until now, that i faced death in the face
>>>>>>>I really thought i did not have any fear of death nor being deformed
>>>>>>>>my thigh has changed
>>>>>>>>> i have only one breast
>>>>>>>>>>that's sad
>>>>>>>>>>>i am just glad that my husband has a good health care coverage that covers both of us
>>>>>>>>>>>>the treatment bills cost $30,000
>>>>>>>>>>>>>i will be fucked without this insurance
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>I am grateful that he works in a good company
>>>how will my husband react to these changes in my body, i wonder?
>>>>that remains to be seen
>>>>>I hope he does not mind these changes
>>>>>> I really do not know what he is thinking so I know he will not
>>>>>>>>>>>>but at the moment all i care about is that i am alive
>>>>>>>>>>>>>i am really grateful that i am alive
>>>>>>>i only have myself and self-forgiveness, nothing else, when i faced death
>>>>>>>>self-forgiveness works
>>>>>>>>>i am grateful
>>>I am also thankful that i saw my desires and fears about how i look
>>>>how can i not know that i have fear of my body being deformed
>>>>>until now, after surgery?
>>>>>>I did not know i had fear of death until now, that i faced death in the face
>>>>>>>I really thought i did not have any fear of death nor being deformed
>>>>>>>>my thigh has changed
>>>>>>>>> i have only one breast
>>>>>>>>>>that's sad
>>>>>>>>>>>i am just glad that my husband has a good health care coverage that covers both of us
>>>>>>>>>>>>the treatment bills cost $30,000
>>>>>>>>>>>>>i will be fucked without this insurance
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>I am grateful that he works in a good company
>>>how will my husband react to these changes in my body, i wonder?
>>>>that remains to be seen
>>>>>I hope he does not mind these changes
>>>>>> I really do not know what he is thinking so I know he will not
>>>>>>>>>>>>but at the moment all i care about is that i am alive
>>>>>>>>>>>>>i am really grateful that i am alive
===
Note: Desires are fuelled by fears. The 'positive' comes from the accumulation of the 'negative'
Let's look at Some of my Fears and Desires:
Fear 1: fear of being physically deformed
Desire 1: to be physically perfect
Fear 2: fear of others knowing i am ill/sick having a tumor in my breast/cancer
Desire 2: to eat healthy food - without any illness/without any tumor/cancer
Fear 3: fear of not knowing the cause of cancer so i can avoid doing it and survive
Desire 3: to research - to know the cause of cancer so i will be able to avoid it
Let's look at Some of my Fears and Desires:
Fear 1: fear of being physically deformed
Desire 1: to be physically perfect
Fear 2: fear of others knowing i am ill/sick having a tumor in my breast/cancer
Desire 2: to eat healthy food - without any illness/without any tumor/cancer
Fear 3: fear of not knowing the cause of cancer so i can avoid doing it and survive
Desire 3: to research - to know the cause of cancer so i will be able to avoid it
Fear 4: fear of not knowing what happens to other cancer patients
Desire 4: to know what they went through - to see how they survived and be able to beat this disease - so i can survive the disease
Desire 4: to know what they went through - to see how they survived and be able to beat this disease - so i can survive the disease
Fear 5: fear of doctors
Desire 5: desire to take care of myself and eat healthy food at home and not go to the hospital to see a doctor
Desire 5: desire to take care of myself and eat healthy food at home and not go to the hospital to see a doctor
Fear 6: fear of nurses
Desire 6: desire to take care of myself - eat healthy food at home and not go to the hospital
and be taken cared of by a nurse
Desire 6: desire to take care of myself - eat healthy food at home and not go to the hospital
and be taken cared of by a nurse
Fear 7: fear of hospitals
Desire 7: desire to not get sick, eat healthy food and take care of myself at home and forever be healthy so i will not be sick and be in the hospital
Fear 8:fear of being alone when i die
Desire 8: desire to have/be with someone when i die- to save me, just in case i encounter pain and suffering - so he can hold my hand and assure me everything will be okay
Desire 7: desire to not get sick, eat healthy food and take care of myself at home and forever be healthy so i will not be sick and be in the hospital
Fear 8:fear of being alone when i die
Desire 8: desire to have/be with someone when i die- to save me, just in case i encounter pain and suffering - so he can hold my hand and assure me everything will be okay
Let's look at Some of My Beliefs:
Belief 1: if my body is deformed, people will not like me because i look ugly
Belief 2: if others know i am sick they will look down on me
Belief 3: if i know the cause of cancer i will be able to avoid it
Belief 4: that if i know how others survive cancer i will know to survive cancer
Belief 5: that doctors do not care believing they do not even care about what they eat
so they will not care about me nor what i eat
so they will not care about me nor what i eat
Belief 6: that nurses are paid to take care of sick people - believing that they only do what they do because they are paid to do it
Belief 7: that hospitals are places where sick people stay
Belief 8: believing that i do not know what happens after death - believing that because i do not know what happens when i die i have to have someone with me to save me from danger, pain or suffering - believing that if i am alone, no one will save me and i will suffer alone - believing i need someone to save me from pain and suffering and assure me everything will be okay
Belief 7: that hospitals are places where sick people stay
Belief 8: believing that i do not know what happens after death - believing that because i do not know what happens when i die i have to have someone with me to save me from danger, pain or suffering - believing that if i am alone, no one will save me and i will suffer alone - believing i need someone to save me from pain and suffering and assure me everything will be okay
Quote:
' your mind is that very system that manipulate, deceive and lie
to your very beingness to get your beingness to respond
in a very particular specific way to the mind'
Interview from Eqafe
to your very beingness to get your beingness to respond
in a very particular specific way to the mind'
Interview from Eqafe
I ask myself these questions:
1. Is my beingness trapped within this pattern (at the beginning at the blog)?
2. Can i free my beingness from this trap?
To See the Problem and Solution
1. Is my beingness trapped within this pattern (at the beginning at the blog)?
2. Can i free my beingness from this trap?
To See the Problem and Solution
follow the link, Problem Solution Reward
Quote:
'The energy of fear takes the physical body and so ones beingness into a resonant state of stress and tension and when one move ones sound in the self-forgiveness as a gentle soft depth, assist and support with that change of energy and its consequence to self stability in the physical body... '
=
'What is fascinating about desire is also its often or frequent attachment to fear in that one will be in a desire but at the same time there will be a fear as well in how one get into that internal conflict for a moment - i want to but i don't but i can't stop myself, oh and there i go and then one give in to the particular specific desire...'
'The energy of fear takes the physical body and so ones beingness into a resonant state of stress and tension and when one move ones sound in the self-forgiveness as a gentle soft depth, assist and support with that change of energy and its consequence to self stability in the physical body... '
=
'What is fascinating about desire is also its often or frequent attachment to fear in that one will be in a desire but at the same time there will be a fear as well in how one get into that internal conflict for a moment - i want to but i don't but i can't stop myself, oh and there i go and then one give in to the particular specific desire...'
From the Interview: When Desire becomes Overwhelming
I was diagnosed with 4th stage breast cancer in my right breast. The surgeon advised for me to do chemotherapy and radiation. He advised that i do radiation first to reduce the tumor into a smaller size so that he can operate on it and then do chemotherapy. At that point i was feeling the burning itchy nagging sensation in my breast all the time.I went and asked the perspective of another physician - he advised the same thing, radiation and chemotherapy.There was a difference on what goes first chemo or radiation - but advised both. So, i looked at the whole thing. Firstly, i know that my body cannot withstand chemotherapy given the stress that it is already in. So, i am considering surgery first, to get that burning, itchy nagging sensation out. That to me was commonsensical at that point. So, i asked another Filipino friend who is a surgeon 'what are my chances of survival if i opt for surgery'?, ''what are the advantages and disadvantages of this decision' ? - as per what he saw in the medical field, as what works and what does not work'. He said that my survival depends on the surgeon's removal of all the cancerous tissues in my breast. If he can do that, there is a chance, but according to him this is difficult to do because there's also the lymph node under my armpit that has to be removed and the tissues in there. So, i decided to go for surgery. I know that my surgeon was worried about disfiguring my body and was talking about how people sometimes sue them if they become disfigured because of the operation. I told him i have to problem about being disfigured. All i wanted was to survive. So, i talked to him about surgery, and he said that i will be disfigured if he operates on my breast which has grown so big at that point. My right breast has grown to a size of a big grapefruit. I did self-forgiveness for my fear of being disfigured and my beauty points to release that. This surgeon told me that if he will operate on me - considering the size of my breast, he said he will have to take a portion of skin from my right thigh to graft to the part of the breast that will be removed. All i wanted at that point was to survive. I asked him 'what are the chances of me surviving if i do chemo and radiation'?, and he told me there are no guarantees. There is no cure. The oncologist also told me the same thing. So, i removed chemo and radiation in my list of options. There is only one thing left, and that is surgery. I decided to go for surgery. I told him to operate on my breast without undergoing chemotherapy and radiation. He did not agree with me and he told me that if i do not do chemotherapy and radiation, my breast will rot and no family member will want to visit me. He advised for me to see my oncologist about the chemotherapy. So, i talked to him about not having chemotherapy and told him i want to have surgery. He did not like my decision and barely spoke to me. I then talked to my surgeon about my decision to go ahead with the surgery without chemo and radiation and informed him that i already talked to the oncologist. So, when i was in the operating room, before he operates on me i repeated my request and told him to please remove all cancerous tissues and make sure there is nothing left. He just looked at me and went away. So, the operation was performed and after a month and after the test, my oncologist said it was clear .
ReplyDelete