I am doing 20 raw food meals today for the girlfriend of my client. The thing is, i received this order only yesterday.
When in this 'situation', i tend to turn the kitchen into a stage, so to speak.
I created a relationship with time, where i have this idea that when i finish the 20 meals and deliver them as i 'promised'- which is tomorrow at about 6am, i will'feel good', believing that 'i am good when i finish so many tasks in so little amount of time'.
My partner is working overtime tonight so that leaves me with no 'kitchen hand' assisting me in food preparation. If he's not tired when he arrives home at about 9PM or so, he can maybe assist me to buy some food and chop some stuff.
I connected this to the 'best chef' competition at the 'food network' tv show where i go through the ups and downs of 'beating the time' to emerge as the 'winner' in the end
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i can do it now - i can do things faster than anyone can' character, where within this is fear of being normal, as i have defined 'normal as inferior' and being 'above normal as superior', so desiring to be superior - as a cop out, not wanting to face my fear of being inferior/death of the ego/not existing - not seeing and realizing that the 'desire for the positive comes from a negative, as fear', and that desire for the positive requires resourcing the body/physical/substance for energy for the mind to exist as energy.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being normal as i have defined being normal as inferior - so desire to be superior within doing things fast - where i miss the moment - as who i am here as the breath - because my attention is on winning - within what i do - not seeing and realizing it is about, who i am in what i do
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think about winning within my mind - separating from what is here as the physical to create an alternate reality in my mind - like a stage - where i have time as my competitor racing against it - within the 'i challenge time'/'i can do it'/'competition' character
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to race against time within my mind, defining myself within the 'i challenge time'/'i can do it'/'competition' character - judging time as more than myself and essentially, judging me as less than myself as i race against it
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to continue existing as the 'competing with time' character and be self-dishonest within - as the evil me, separating myself from time, within my mind where no one sees the real me only wanting to survive as i, me and myself within self-interest - establishing a relationship with time - not seeing who i am as equal to time, and instead, keep this relationship with time going for a 'positive energy experience' which i get when i win and finish so many tasks in so short a time - and getting a 'negative energy experience when i lose or not make it - defining myself within the opposite polarity as the 'i don't care', 'whatever!' or 'apathetic' character
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the 'i don't care' character in my relationship to time - as i compete with it within my mind - coming from fear of being normal as the 'inferior'/fear of not existing character - not wanting to exist without a cycling through having the 'positive energetic boost' and the 'negative and neutral energetic experience' - which i defined as life - the opposite of which i defined as 'death' - not realizing that i am not defined by energy - not seeing the common sense as who i am as a part of the whole - as all life, not realizing i do not need a 'positive energy boost' to be life , as i am here as breath in a body moment by moment - not realizing, that i can just move me and simply live as who i am as equal to all that exist - as life.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a picture within my mind - sweaty and unkempt - tired and having the last surge of energy within my body - 'almost dead' - but was able to finish so many tasks in a very short time - believing that i have emerged as winner, in an image of someone putting my hand up and saying 'the winner!' and then hearing my name. I then have this picture within my mind define me as 'the best', 'i am alive', 'i have evolved from being a normal inferior person to being a superior person' - and within this 'feeling of being alive' - desiring to be eternally alive within always winning in my 'magined competition against time - not realizing i am here as the breath in every moment, in/as the physical/body.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have internal conversations within my mind when i am faced with this situation , having the following backchats:
'This is a short notice, can i make it or cannot i make it?
I can make it, i know i can.
I just have to assess the situation, gather all recipes, get everything i need - spices, veggies, fruits, nuts etc. in the kitchen and take control and give it my all.
I am confident i can do this!
But i do not have the exact recipes of the other meals
Fuck, i forgot how i did the other meals before,
I could have written the recipes so now i can make them easy
Oh well, i really don't care',
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use words within my mind separate from me where i use words in my internal conversations to figure out how to win in a battle with time - which i created in an alternate reality within my mind - never really real - separating from the real physical reality that is here as the breath in this moment in/as the physical/body
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react in excitement when i heard the big order then reacted in fear that i will not be able to finish all 20 meals on time - and then be apathetic - as i cycle through the 'positive and then the negative energetic experiences' as different characters within my mind, an alternate reality that is not real.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to, as the evil me, use the mind to manipulate the body to move fast and quick and keep the heart beating fast when faced in a situation like this - where i receive a big order that is not ordinarily done, regularly or weekly - to justify my desire to win in my imagined relationship with time.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not care about the body when i am faced with a situation where i can earn money, and all i see is how i can finish the dishes so i can earn that money - not seeing that the body is being compromised when i do things in a hurry as i race against time - not realizing that i can be here as breath in every moment doing what i have to do - making sure that all the recipes are recorded and can be accessed by me anytime, perfected and recorded in how i do each dish step by step - in detail and what i need to buy from the store etc.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create the 'competing with time' character in my 'within'- as my mind, and create the consequence as this world system in my 'without' - as the Guiness Book of World records, the Food network competitions, and all other competitions in this world - competing with time or with another manifestation for the 'energetic experience' of it so we can feel we have evolved as more than normal beings - as if we are all alive - not seeing and realizing the inequality within it all - that the playing field is unequal as we have unequal opportunity to get the basic necessities to survive - to instead look at the point of equality and what is best for all, and create a world that truly honors life.
Commitment to Correction
I commit myself to when and as i see myself competing against time - doing all i can to:
*Finish the 20 dishes in 1 day
*Thinking about it in my mind
*Imagining i can finish it and be 'the best'
*Having Internal conversations
*Reacting with excitement, then doubt and then apathy
*Using the mind to manipulate the body to justify my desires
*Doubting that i can finish it
*Blaming and justifying whatever i did not take self-responsibility for - to someone or something else
*Being apathetic and not caring whether i do it on time or not,
I realise that i have formed a relationship with time - so to assist myself to instead, have an equal and one relationship with time - slow myself down, bring myself to the physical, as what is here and get the materials ready - all recipes ready and move me to finish the task.
I commit myself to get my recipe records organized even to the small detail, so that i can take self-responsibility in finishing the task without having to hurry, where i become 'unaware' of who i am here - to instead develop a real relationship with the task i am doing and stand equal to the food i am preparing.
I commit myself to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application - assist myself to stop my polarized/energetic relationship with time and establish a real equal and one relationship with time.